


Madness in the Kitchen

by MadDramaQueen



Series: Adventures in the SortaMalicious MadHouse [15]
Category: Rooster Teeth/Achievement Hunter/Funhaus RPF
Genre: kitchen stories, madhouse, you've gotta do the cooking by the book
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-25
Updated: 2016-09-25
Packaged: 2018-08-17 04:22:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,100
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8130241
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MadDramaQueen/pseuds/MadDramaQueen
Summary: It's time for a cooking lesson for the Mad King!He will learn the way to making a successful meal for the MadHouse.Can he do it?Or will he burn down the house in the progress?





	

It was lunchtime in the MadHouse and we were hungry for something to eat. But, this time, it was going to be different. I went to the kitchen to see Cheryl with Ghost Ray, and Ryan trying to put on what looked like an apron? Uhh...

"How do you put this on? What is this thing, anyway? Where are the sleeves?" Ryan said, fiddling with it. Cheryl laughed and helped him put the black apron on. It had a cracked crown on the top and had "My Cooking Is To Die For" under it in cursive.

"It's called an apron, Ryan. You wear it when you cook so you don't get your clothes messed up. Ray and I had this one custom made for you." Cheryl smiled and gave her BFF a high 5. Ghost Ray floated next to me and pointed to Ryan. 

"Katz! You came just in time! We're gonna have a special lunch today. Cheryl is gonna teach Ry how to make hamburgers. I bet $5 the house burns down." he explains. 

"Have you no confidence in your BFF, Ray? I can teach him how to cook. In return, he's gonna teach me some Dead by Daylight techniques." Cheryl says, getting the required pots and pans out the cabinets. 

"Stu, the Spider God will need feeding soon, and I can't be there all the time. Speaking of feeding, why are we making burgers?" Ryan asked, tugging on his new apron. 

"Because we took a vote and hamburgers won. It was 99% hamburgers, and 1% banana cake. Guess who voted for that?" 

"Meeeeeee!!" Joe swung in and landed on top of the kitchen table. "What's cooking, MadHouse peeps?" 

"Ryan's gonna help make lunch today. And get off!" I tell him, pushing him off the table.

"Cool! I'm gonna get friends. It's better to cook with friends. And bananas! Be sure to add bananas to my burger!" Joe jumped out the window into the garden.

"Uhhh....soooo...are we doing that?" Ryan asked with confusion. 

"No. Let Joe add his own bananas. All right. Are you ready to cook? With some rules, of course."

"There are rules to cooking? I didn't know this." 

"Well, with you, there have to be. Rule #1- no using your crown to cut things. This is why we have kitchen knives." 

"B-But...it's like a portable knife I wear on my head!" Ryan whines. 

"No!" 

Ryan sighs and folds his arms. "All right, fine. At least I can use knives for my entertainment." He smirked and took out a kitchen knife. "Did you know I won $20 from throwing a knife perfectly into a wall? Would you like me to demonstrate how?" He smirked evilly and prepared to throw it at the wall behind Ghost Ray. 

"Yo! Put the knife down, dude! I don't have 20 bucks to give you!" Ray exclaimed. I slowly brought Ryan's arm down. 

"Please don't throw any knives, Ryan. That's my job!" I smile. Cheryl face-palmed and I bet Fallz would've done the same. 

Joe swings back into the kitchen with Omega, Lotti, Fallz, Zinnia and Jess. "I'm back with friends! Azriella said she'd literally pop in soon. She's working on some magic stuff."

"Why have you brought an audience here? Is watching me fail that amusing?" Ryan sighed. 

"We've seen you play Worms 2 weeks ago. Yeah, it's amusing. But, we know you can do this. You're gonna have help this time!" I smile. 

"My BFF is the best. You're gonna make some yummy food, MK! I can't wait." Ghost Ray watched as Cheryl took the burger patties out the fridge. 

"I hope it's better than that pasta Ryan tried to make for me. He burned it. Burned it! How the hell do you burn pasta?! You boil the noodles! That's it, man!" Lotti exclaimed. 

"Lotti, be nice. I'm sure he didn't mean it." Omega rubbed her back. "If you want, I'll make you pasta next time." 

"Aw, you're so sweet. Thank you!" Lotti gave Omega a hug.

"Get a room!" Ghost Ray teased.

Lotti just flipped him off. 

"So, step one for making hamburgers-" 

"You stabby stab the meat." Ryan starts stabbing a patty with the knife. 

"No! Ryan, no! Put the knife down! You didn't even take it out of the package yet!" Cheryl sighed and took the patties out of the package for him. The top patty looked pretty holey. 

"Yeah. That one is yours, buddy." Ghost Ray looked at the golf patty in disgust. 

Ryan took his patty out and put it on a plate. He stared at it closely. "This...doesn't look like a burger. Is this what I eat when you take me to Whataburger?" 

"Yeah, except it's more delicious. Keep going, Ryan!" Fallz said. 

"So, next you add the spices, Ry. There's three spices you add to make the hamburgers totally kick ass: garlic, black pepper, and red pepper flakes. All right? So, here's the spices. So, garlic first." Cheryl instructed. 

Ryan picked up the garlic shaker and slowly shook some garlic spice onto one side of the burger, then flipped it and repeated the action. "Am I doing this correctly?" 

"Yep! Now, do the same thing for the black pepper next." 

"And then we stabby stab the meat?" Jess smiled evilly, holding up a knife of her own.

"I don't think this is a safe cooking lesson anymore..." Zinnia said, slowly backing away from Jess.

"There will be NO stabby stabbing of anything, guys!" Cheryl rolled her eyes.

"That's AFTER the lesson, right?" I ask, looking at Joe with a smirk on my face. 

"Damn it, Tabitha! No! You stay away from me!" Joe exclaimed, leaping onto the kitchen's ceiling fan. 

"Uhh...Cheryl? I might've added too much." Ryan brought Cheryl's attention back to the lesson. She turned around to find a burger patty with a small mountain of black pepper on top of it. 

"Whoa! It looks like ants crawled on your meat and made a home!" Ghost Ray examines. 

"Ants?! DIE, ANTS!!" Jess took out a mallet and jumped on the table, smashing the patty into a million pieces. And making the black pepper fly everywhere. 

Some of the black pepper flew in the air and started to circle around Joe. He tried his best to hold on to the fan while stopping a sneeze. But, the sneeze won in this battle. 

"A-CHOO!!" 

Down he fell onto the floor with a THUD. 

Ryan sighed. "I'm sorry about that, Cheryl. You're trying your best to teach me and I'm just messing it up. Maybe we should postpone the lesson to a later date."

"Aw, don't worry about it. You're doing a great job. It's the environment you're in that makes this hard. Cooking in the MadHouse is never easy."

"Being a Ninja Monkey in the MadHouse is just as hard. I always end up getting hurt!" Joe exclaimed.

Omega helped him up. "Maybe don't hang from the ceiling next time. Have a banana to ease the pain." 

"Don't mind if I do!" Joe peeled a banana to eat and tossed the peel at Fallz, which landed on her 3DS. She then proceeded to throw it back at him.

Cheryl just face-palmed at the madness. "Welp. Guess we'd better start again."

\--------------------------------

So, after cleaning up the mess, Cheryl and Ryan re-did their previous steps and now it was time to start cooking the patty. 

"All right, Ryan. Now that we finally have a patty ready to go, let's get the cast iron skillet to cook it! And no stabby stabs, Jess!" Cheryl exclaims as Jess raised a katana, ready to slice something (or someone) in half.

"It wasn't a stabby stab. It was gonna be a slicey slice..." Jess muttered, walking back to the weapons room.

"Yo Fallz. Pull out Cooking Mama! I think Ryan needs her help." Ghost Ray taps her on the shoulder while Fallz shrugged him off. 

"No, thank you. I don't want her or her flaming eyes from hell disapproving my cooking." Ryan muttered. 

"Well, I approve and that's all that matters. Now, get the iron skillet and pre-heat it for about 5 minutes." Cheryl instructs as Ryan takes out a bright red cast iron skillet and puts it on the stove. 

"That's a fancy cast iron skillet, Ryan! Where'd you get that from?" Zinnia asks. 

"Half Target, half bones of my enemies." Ryan simply shrugged. 

"Why am I not surprised?" Lotti rolls her eyes, watching Ryan turn the stove on, the flames already super high up.

"The roof! The roof! The roof is gonna be on fire!" Ghost Ray chanted. 

"We don't need no water, let the MadHouse burn!" Omega joined in.

"Can we not burn down the house? My games are here!" Fallz groaned.

"Yeah, Ryan, you might wanna turn that down a bit." Cheryl said. 

Ryan turned down the flames as the skillet started getting hot. A few minutes later, he was instructed to slowly put the patty on the skillet. The patty started sizzling already and gave off a nice aroma once the spices started kicking in. 

"That actually smells pretty good! Can I have it?" Joe asked excitedly. 

"No! You'll ruin it with bananas. It's Ryan's first burger; let him enjoy it without potassium." Lotti stuck her tongue out at the Ninja Monkey. 

"Sooo...we're done, right? After this, I mean." Ryan asks, patting the meat with a spatula. Which might also be made by the bones of his enemies. I'm not so sure I want him making my food now...

"Give it about...5 minutes on each side. Then, you can plate it up and add anything you want to it. Speaking of which, can someone get the hamburger buns?" Cheryl asked. 

"I got you, BFF. Now, where the hell are they?" Ghost Ray floated to Cheryl.

"I bought some a few minutes ago. Check the grocery bag sitting next to the toaster." Cheryl pointed to a bag filled with groceries next to the toaster. I'm not gonna ask where Ryan got the toaster.

Ghost Ray dug around the bag until he looked like he found something. "Yus! Victory!" 

"Did you find the buns?" I asked. 

"I found something better..." He pulls out a pack of Oreos. "Snack! If you'll excuse me, I'm gonna enjoy this. Later, peeps!" Ghost Ray started floating away.

"Ray~ Stu is up there!" Cheryl smirked. Ghost Ray stopped and sat down in a chair, one Oreo in his mouth.

"I'm staying down here. No way in hell I'm going up there with creepy spider guy." 

Ryan said to Cheryl while flipping the patty over, "Cheryl, Stu isn't-" 

She then stepped on his foot to shut him up. Ryan groaned and grimaced until he finally got the message. Spider God Stu and Ray do not go together. At all. 

Ryan adjusted the flames on the stove and watched it sizzle. "You know, I think this is going to turn out great after all. I can't believe I'm actually cooking something. This feels fantastic!" 

"I'm glad you're having fun, Ryan!" Cheryl smiled. 

"Maybe you can go MadHouse shopping every weekend instead of me next time." I chuckle. 

"Yeah, no. That's your job, Tabby. It'll always be your job..." Omega gives me an evil grin while I just sigh and face-palmed. Who knew my weekly task would be longer than a week?

Zinnia gets the burger buns from Cheryl's grocery bag and hands them to her. She then takes one bun out and puts it on a paper plate. 

"All right, Ryan. Keep an eye on the patty. It should be ready in a couple minutes." Cheryl instructs.

"What can you teach me to make next time? You are an excellent teacher and I can learn a lot from you." Ryan asks.

"Bake the MadHouse a cake!" Fallz suggests.

"No. No cakes. I don't approve of cakes. If there is a cake near me, I will throw it at the nearest person. Even as a ghost, I'm going cakeless." Ghost Ray points out. 

"Noted." Ryan rolls his eyes at the overly dramatic MadHouse Ghost.

"Hmm...how about pizza? That's easy and fun to make!" Zinnia says. 

"But, we order pizza! Making it would just make Pizza Friday's lose its charm! We just sit around, playing video games and wait for the pizza to come to us. I don't wanna make it! It'll take away from precious video gaming!" Ghost Ray complains. 

Ryan turns the flame off and lifts the patty with the spatula onto one half of the hamburger buns. "Need I remind you that these are my cooking lessons and not yours? I don't care if I lose video gaming time. Feeding the MadHouse delicious food is more important than games." 

"Well sure, if you wanna get all sentimental about it..." the MadHouse ghost mutters. 

"Hey! How about something classy? Chicken parmesan! It's chicken with pasta under it. Man, I haven't had that since Senior Prom!" I point out. 

"And you're 24 now. That's so sad." Ghost Ray shakes his head at me. 

"I will end you, ghost!" I shake my fist at him. 

"Hmm...that's not a bad idea. As long as Cheryl knows how to make it, of course. Did you have that at your prom, too?" Ryan turns to her. 

Cheryl kinda lowers her head and shuffles her foot on the floor. She gives a light chuckle and looks up at him. "I don't really remember. School kinda sucked for me, and I, uh...I didn't actually have a date for prom." 

Ryan and Ray gasped and looked at her in shock.

"You what?! No date for prom? All right. Who said no to you? I will hunt them down and haunt them hard!" Ghost Ray huffed. 

"Now, now, Ray. If she doesn't want to press on the issue any further, we mustn't force her to explain. Cheryl, I am fine with whatever you decide to teach me to make. It's fun learning new things." Ryan smiles and hugs you. "But right now, I am interested in dressing this delicious burger of ours."

"The burger is naked?! All right. There's an image I didn't want to think about."

"God damn it, Ray."

\---------------------------

The burger was complete. Cooked and fixed the way Ryan liked it. A little too much vegetables on there for my liking, but if he likes it, then who am I to judge?

Ryan takes out a knife and is about to cut it in half to share with Cheryl. 

"Stabby stab time!" Jess runs back in the kitchen as if the sound of a knife whipping against the breeze summons her with her katana in hand.

"Not really. Could you please-what did you call it earlier? Oh, right. Slicey slice this burger in half for me?" Ryan asks while Jess quickly nods her head.

"You bet, Ryan! This is what I came here for!" She lifts the katana and slices the burger perfectly in half with one fell swoop. I'm pretty sure the table also got part of the slicing. "There you go." Jess happily skips out the kitchen.

"Only in the MadHouse could that be seen as normal." I said. 

"So, Cheryl. Seeing as you were my teacher, I would like you to try my burger first. I'll eat it if you like it." Ryan says, now a little nervous about his work. 

"I'm sure it's fine, Ryan. You worry too much! You don't worry when you play Dead by Daylight, do you?" 

"Stu likes it when I deliver his food with confidence." 

"Creeeepyyyy...." Ghost Ray points out. 

Azriella appears in the middle of the kitchen, wearing an apron of her own that says "Witch in the Kitchen." 

"I told you I'd show up soon. I have to get some ingredients for a potion. How'd the cooking lesson go?" she asks Cheryl. 

"I'm about to find out. You came just in time for the taste test." Cheryl smiles while Ryan looks at Azi nervously. 

"You, uh, you can't magically convince her that it's delicious, can you?" 

"Ryan, stop it. I'm sure you've done a wonderful job. Magic won't help you here. You deserve to know the truth. Go ahead, Cheryl." Azriella gestures Cheryl to try her half of the burger. 

Cheryl nods and picks it up. She looks at the burger from all sides, like a food critic. "It's looks pleasing to the eye, Ry." 

"This is like Top Chef, but more boring." Ghost Ray whispers to Omega and Joe as they chuckle at his joke. 

Cheryl finally takes a small bite of the burger, taking her time to chew and swallow it. 

"Mmm....Mmm! Oh, wow. This is good. Really good! Not bad for your first try, Ryan. Try it!" Cheryl urges him to take a bite of his creation. Ryan slowly does so as his nerves seem to go away with every bite. 

"Why, you're right, Cheryl. I can't believe I'm eating what I've just made! I thank you so much for teaching me. Could you help me make burgers for your friends? Practice makes perfect!" Ryan smiles.

"Of course I'll help, Ryan! Maybe we can slip a piece of lettuce on Tabby's burger." Cheryl chuckles as I gasp in horror.

"No! You keep those vegetables away from me!" I exclaim in disgust.

"Please bring mine up to my bedroom. I'll be busy potion making. Congrats on the successful lesson, guys! Can't wait to try it myself! Bye now!" Azriella waves as she disappears with her ingredients.

I'm still shuddering over the possibility of lettuce touching my burger. "Don't do it, Ryan. I am warning you, Haywood! Just add cheese to mine!"

Ryan just laughed at me. "I could possibly get Tabitha to eat vegetables now? I think I'm gonna like cooking!"

\--------------------

Lunchtime ends as the MadHouse is stuffed with hamburgers, which means it'll be nap time in about an hour. Everyone retreats to their rooms while Ryan is washing the dishes, while Ghost Ray helps dry them. 

"You know, I can't get that out of my head. What Cheryl said about not having a date to her prom. It's preposterous. It's strange."

"It's bullshit?" Ray adds. 

"Yeah, I guess. I wasn't trying to profane. Anyway, I think we should help her. And maybe I can put my cooking to the test, too." Ryan thinks out loud.

"What do you wanna do? Go back in time to Cheryl's prom and be her date?"

Ryan shakes his head. "No. I have an even better idea."

"Which is...?"

Ryan gives one of his classic smirks. 

"A MadHouse prom, of course."


End file.
